It’s the 10th October 2024, ‘World Mental Health Day’. I wanted to write this blog post due to my struggles with mental health in the past but also because of my struggle with postnatal depression. It’s a topic that isn’t discussed very often but postnatal depression affects more than 1 in 10 women in the UK alone, and as I recently discovered can affect men too. This is just a short version of my ongoing battle with postnatal depression and anxiety.
In the days after Noah was born I felt euphoric, like I could take on the world. This slowly dwindled and by day 5 post birth, I started to feel really emotional. I knew this was normal, they call it the baby blues and more or less 100% of women suffer with this due to a change in hormones. My mood however did not improve, it gradually deteriorated and I felt very low. I spoke with my midwife, she was very supportive. She gave me contact numbers for the mental health crisis team in case I needed it and arranged extra follow up for me to ensure I wasn’t spiralling.
My low mood continued, however I started to tell people that I was feeling better. I felt I couldn’t tell the truth in case people thought I was a bad mum and that I couldn’t cope. Because I was trying to hide how down I was, my emotions started to reveal themselves in other ways. When I was feeling overwhelmed, I would be verbally aggressive. When I felt overstimulated from the noise, I would sit and cry. These were all emotions that I had never felt before, even with suffering from depression in the past. I had a constant feeling of anxiety and apprehension that something bad was going to happen to Noah, which in turn made me feel even more upset. Amongst this, I had an extreme feeling of guilt. I couldn’t believe I had a beautiful baby boy, and I felt sad. The guilt was eating me up, why did I feel this way when there are people out there who are unable to have children or have lost children.
I was taking all these negative emotions I was feeling out on the husband to be. He was brilliant, he let me shout and bang doors. He held me when I cried and told me it would be ok. But I could see the negative impact this was having on him too, not to mention Noah.
Then one day, I was picking Millie the crazy Lab up from doggy daycare, listening to the radio and crying for absolutely no reason. In my head I just thought ‘I have to get better’. I rang my GP, and I had an appointment an hour later. After the appointment I felt relief. I had finally told someone how I was feeling, and they hadn’t judged me or told me I was a bad mum.
After my appointment, I told my family and a few close friends that I had been diagnosed with postnatal depression and had started on medication to help with my mood. They were all immensely supportive. I would go for walks with friends and meet my family for coffee. I found that by going out of the house and enjoying the fresh air just made me feel better. I started writing my journal, this helped a lot when I was having a bad day. And most importantly I started to enjoy my baby.
I still have days where I feel overwhelmed and sometimes a little sad. I have realised that these days are okay to have. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t have them. I wanted to share a little bit of my story with you just in case somebody is reading and feeling a little bit the same. My advice would be to try the following;
- Leave the house – go for a walk and embrace the fresh air
- Sleep when baby sleeps – if you feel tired SLEEP! The cleaning and laundry will wait
- I invested in some ‘Loop’ earplugs which reduce noise and help with overstimulation
- Talk to your family and friends, they are your support network
- Speak with your midwife, health visitor and GP, they are there to help
Remember its okay not to feel okay!